Why Willpower Doesn’t Work — And That’s Actually Good News

At home recently, my daughter and I were having a very real conversation about willpower. She was home from college and made snickerdoodles — my absolute favorite cookie. I could not stop eating them. At all. My husband kept saying, “You have no willpower,” and I was laughing because…he’s not wrong.

And yet, whenever I say I don’t have willpower, people who know me push back.

“But you run marathons.”

“You eat healthy.”

“You run a business.”

“You get so much done.”

Here’s the thing: none of that is because I’m good at resisting temptation. It’s because I’m good at removing it entirely.

That’s why a recent New York Times opinion piece, “Willpower Doesn’t Work. This Does.”, resonated with me so deeply. The author makes the point that we don’t do hard things more consistently by trying harder to resist temptation — we do them by arranging our lives to minimize the need for willpower.

That line stopped me in my tracks, because it perfectly describes how I actually live and work.

Don’t Rely on Willpower — Rely on Preparation

People assume discipline looks like white-knuckling your way through temptation. For me, it looks more like this:

• I don’t keep cookies, chips, or candy in the house. Because if they’re there, I’ll eat them — even when I know I shouldn’t and even when I feel sick afterward.

• If I’m working all day and run downstairs at mealtimes, starving with no time to spare, I’m not suddenly going to make good choices unless the right food is already prepped. So that’s why I cut up vegetables on Sundays and make my shakes the night before. Jeff plans out meals for the week so we have healthy dinners, too.

These decisions aren’t about discipline in the moment. They’re about deciding once, ahead of time, so future me doesn’t have to fight herself. People think it’s discipline, but it’s really just how I’ve arranged things so I don’t have to think about it. 

The Phone Example: Removing Temptation Works

Since last July, I’ve also been trying to “break up with my phone.” I wanted to stop mindless scrolling. Awareness wasn’t the problem. Motivation wasn’t the problem. Willpower was. So I read Catherine Price’s book, How to Break Up with Your Phone. One of her steps felt extreme: delete Facebook and Instagram from your phone entirely.

I did it anyway.

And it worked.

I can still access social media from my laptop or browser if I want to — but the added friction is enough that I usually don’t. Once again, the change didn’t come from trying harder. It came from making the desired behavior easier to live with.

Why Trying Harder Isn’t the Answer

This idea doesn’t just apply to food or phones — it applies to leadership and how we run our businesses. We recently learned this lesson at P4P in a very tangible way. We were spending a lot of energy trying harder with clients who didn’t truly value us or the work we were doing. We kept pushing, explaining, over-delivering.

We came to see that the issue wasn’t willpower or commitment — it was fit.

So we let go.

We stopped working with clients who didn’t appreciate our service, our people, or who we are. And the overwhelming feeling afterward wasn’t fear or regret — it was relief. Just like with cookies or social media, the solution wasn’t to “be better.” It was to step away from what wasn’t serving us.

Make the Pursuit Easier

Here is one of my favorite lines from the New York Times article:

“You do hard things more consistently when you put yourself in situations that make the pursuit easier.”

That’s true everywhere in my life:

• Training for a marathon is easier when part of the long run is with a friend.

• Keeping my phone away from my bed, means I can’t lay in bed and scroll!

• I carry a reusable water bottle with me EVERYWHERE so I never have to buy water in a plastic bottle — and I drink more water as a result.

• Business development is easier when the team does it together, compares notes, makes it a little competitive and shares wins.

This is what great leaders do — not demand more grit, but find better ways to get things done.

The Takeaway

If you’re exhausted from trying harder — at work, at home, or in your business — maybe the answer isn’t more fortitude.

Maybe it’s fewer temptations.

Clearer boundaries.

Better preparation.

And environments that work with you instead of against you.

Remember that famous quote: “Insanity means doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Maybe it’s time to do things differently! Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is stop asking ourselves to push harder and instead make things a little easier.